IndoDONKEY

Look, I have no problems at all with Nicholas Sparks.  I’ve read some of his books (Message in a Bottle and The Notebook), and watched some of the movies that based on his books (Message in a Bottle, The Notebook and Dear John).  Dear John was a mistake, by the way.  I was dragged to see that one even though I knew watching Duke from GI Joe falling in love with Dakota Fanning wasn’t something that I would enjoy watching.

Anyways, I found this on Cracked.com and thought I’d like to share with you all – in case if you want to make your own Nicholas Spark movie..  Hahahahahaa..

I wonder what would have happened if Nicholas Spark was the one who wrote Star Wars..  Hmmm…

Even though I’ve watched a lot of horror movies, somehow I’m still unable to make myself enjoy watching them.  There are probably only 2 that I like so far (one of them is The Grudge – which almost made me pee in my pants), and the rest of them look really really dumb.  I just don’t understand how you get entertained by watching a movie that makes you want to pee in your pants, makes your heart beat faster than Speedy Gonzales, makes you start sweating bullets and getting scared shirtless.  At that point, you’d probably regret your decision to watch the movie and wish you could just punch babies instead.

Anyways, I got this article from egotvonline.com which I thought was pretty hilarious.  Since most of horror movies are done in a cookie-cutter formula, then why don’t you make one yourself?  All you need is a couple of million dollars to make it, and you can turn your movie into a straight-to-DVD Blockbuster!

So please follow these steps below to make your own horror movie:

Catch a Falling Star

The most important thing is your star.  But real stars don’t go for horror films, so you’ll have to aim for the kind of girl who is right on the verge of giving up on her acting dreams for porn and kinda sorta looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Your star’s most important asset is not so much acting, but more the size of her tits.  In fact, the size of her tits is in indirect relationship to how important her acting skills are.

The Ensemble

Once your star is lined up, you need to round out your cast with a reliable troupe of horror film mainstays:

• Preppy douche bag with finance career lined up
• Ditzy cheerleader who isn’t big on shirts
• Black guy for jokes (only for the first act)
• The bitchy bully, or in real life is known as the lesbian
• The jock
• The creepy nerd who everyone is sure is the murderer

The Murderer

As long as you have someone genuinely scary with a good weapon, you’re in the clear.  A good weapon is described as something that was used to kill animals in the 1800s.  Maces, mallets, fish hooks, axes, bow and arrows, knives and bear traps are all reliable horror bad guy weapons.

Elaborate Back-story

Also of note is the more elaborate the backstory for why your murderer came to be, the more time you’ll need to devote to have your hero in act three explain this history.  This will lead to an unbelievably long speech of about ten minutes explaining how an Indian burial ground was desecrated for a high school so that a fisherman could avenge his father’s Satanic curse’s right to freedom of religion.

No One Runs at the Same Speed

You could have Marion Jones at her most roided-out and an eight-year-old killer limping after her, but no matter how fast your victim runs, the killer is always waiting at the next turn.  Don’t ruin your movie with logic.

The Order of Kill

1. The minority
2. The non-minority funny guy
3. The bitchy girl
4. The douche bag bro
5. The hot cheerleader girl (see shower scene below)
6. The jock
7. The creepy nerd who everyone thinks is the murderer

The Shower Scene

Every horror film requires that your non-hero girl with the largest tits be killed while said tits are exposed.  This can occur in a shower (easy, since it’s been done since Psycho), a pool (steam provides great cover), the pool house after skinny dipping (because who doesn’t have a pool house with elaborate corridors?), or a schvitz at a bar mitzvah for Jewish-themed horror films.  The girl is required to think that her boyfriend is playing a prank on her, just to discover her disembodied boyfriend’s body.  This is when the murderer appears and chases the naked hottie until she slips and falls, breaks her nose and waits her inevitable throat-slitting.

The Killer Never Dies

No matter how ludicrous your ending might be, you need your murderer to get away.  You must leave the door open for your horror film to be complimented by sixteen bad sequels to come out the week before Halloween for the next two decades.  A good way to accomplish this is to have the hero throw the murderer’s body into an incinerator and have everyone celebrate the film being over.  Then a nice little coda at the end mentions, “We didn’t find the body.  In the incinerator.”

Look, I always enjoy watching all DiCaprio’s movies.  Starting from the one that he did years ago with Johnny Depp – I believe he was playing as a retard (What’s Eating Gilbert Grape), then the ones where he played as a druggie (The Basketball Diaries), a guy who’s romantically involved with some rich spoiled brat in a sinking ship (Titanic), a funny-lookin’ royal prince who turns out to have a twin brother who’s been locked up in a dungeon (The Man in The Iron Mask), a lazy-ass bum who spends countless hours getting tanned in some beach near marijuana farm in Thailand (The Beach), an Irish guy with a silly Irish accent (Gangs of New York), a con man who likes to dress up as a pilot (Catch Me If You Can), a filthy-rich guy with a bad case of OCD (The Aviator) and a South-African guy with a funny accent who’s been after a huge-ass diamond all over Africa (Blood Diamond).

So anyways, he was reunited again with Kate Winslet in this movie which I believe was based on a book, and was directed by Sam Mendes, the guy who directed in American Beauty and Road to Perdition.  I was like, okay DiCaprio was in it and the director was actually a great director.  Kate Winslet was okay, I’m not so much into British chicks (except for Kate Beckinsale), but whatever.  I thought as long as DiCaprio was in it, everything would be fine.  So I decided to get it from Netflix.

Revolutionary Road is a story about a young couple, Frank and April Wheeler who lives in the Connecticut suburbs in 1955.  Everyday Frank commutes to New York City where he works in an office job; a job that he despises with passion, while April stays home as a housewife.  April has given up her dream of becoming an actress and Frank, well in addition to hating his job, he feels he hasn’t really figured out what his passion in life is.  Until one day, April suggests that they should move to Paris – a city where Frank visited during the war and loved, but where April has never been – in order to rejuvenate their life.  However, things happen later on which make Frank  become skeptical with the whole plan.

Frankly, I honestly think this story should’ve not been made into a movie.  It’s too freakin’ depressing!  I think it should’ve been made into a Broadway play instead since it would’ve shown the strong acting performances and the story.  I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s still a good movie..  But I just thought it would’ve been much better if it were turned into a play.  Every minute I spent watching this movie, I felt I was dying inside and feeling so miserable..  Just as I finished watching it, I felt so bad I wanted to eat two gallons of ice cream and four scoops of guacamole. I did love their acting/performances though.  The actors have done a great job in this movie.  Too bad it wasn’t a happy ending.

IndoDONKEY Alert!

This is hilarious!  I usually post movie reviews on my blog, but I stumbled upon this when I was browsing the other day and thought I would share it with you guys.

So for those of you who would like to make an action movie, please see the step-by-step instructions below.  It tells you how to assemble a basic action movie.

I knew this movie was gonna be terrible since it was directed by the one and only..  Uwe Boll!

First of all, if you’re into video games, you’ve probably heard of Far Cry, a first-person shooter game about an ex US Special Forces who is searching for a female journalist in some South Pacific island full of mercenaries.  Supposedly it’s a very interesting game since it was sold over 730,000 units within four months of release.

A couple of days ago I was browsing my Netflix queue until I saw Far Cry on the list.  I was like, wait a second..  I didn’t remember adding this to my queue?  So then I checked the movie casts and director to see if there were any A or B-list celebrities (since the guy in the movie poster who was supposedly the main character was sorta considered a C-list celebrity), turns out the movie was directed by the infamous UWE BOLL!

Let me tell you a little story about Uwe Boll.  This infamous German director is specialized in movies based on video games and so far he single handedly destroyed every single one of them.  I don’t know how he was able to convince movie studios or producers to finance all his movies.  I honestly think he has no business directing any more video game movies and needs to be banned for life from directing movies.  He would take good video games and turn them into horrible movies.  He’s like Osama Bin Laden of filmmaking.  Seriously!  Click here if you want to read more about him.

I should’ve checked the trailer first.  That way I wouldn’t have bothered adding this to my Netflix queue.  From the trailer alone, you could honestly tell this movie looks cheap and would be one of the worst movies ever.  But you know what, at least they got the Hawaiian shirt part right (in the game, the character wears a Hawaiian shirt all the time – not some army camouflage or something).  But it was worn for only the first 10 minutes of the movie.

The movie started off with a group of mercenaries stuck in the middle of the jungle at night.  All of sudden someone/something started attacking them, killing every man in their group one person at a time.  I couldn’t really see who was attacking them since the camera was only showing from the attacker’s point of view, and all I could hear was him breathing heavily with steam coming out of his nose.  At that point I said to myself okay, this looks kinda promising.  A monster comes out of nowhere and starts attacking a group of fully-equipped mercenaries..  Reminds me of the movie Predator (the one with Arnie though, not the one with Danny Glover).

A few minutes later, I finally found out that this “monster” was supposedly a soldier who was genetically engineered by a crazy scientist to be a super soldier/killing machine.  Turns out there wasn’t just one super soldier, apparently this crazy scientist created a bunch of these mofos.  When I saw these guys – well I don’t know if it was just a bad makeup – but I thought they didn’t look scary at all..  They looked more like a mime troupe (minus the hair, dark lipstick, funny hat, silly costume and gloves).  Not only they have super strength, but these mofos were also bulletproof.  Haha yea how about that, huh?  A bulletproof-mime-lookin-super-killing-machine. The jokes were awful.  The fat guy in the movie (who was supposedly the movie’s comic relief) wasn’t funny at all.  In fact, I kinda found him annoying and was hoping someone would shoot him with a bazooka or something.  He was loud, too fat, really annoying and was too much into his foot-long sandwich.  I pray to God someday people would stop funding Uwe Boll’s movies so he’ll be forced to work as an ice cream street vendor in Berlin.

IndoDONKEY Alert!

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