IndoDONKEY

First of all, I’d like to say one thing before I start writing my review..  I DO NOT WATCH CHICK FLICKS! I don’t think I can ever get into chick flicks at all.  Well okay, I think there was one time when I watched The Notebook with my buddies..  But that was because I had read the book which the movie was based on and really liked it, and Rachel McAdams was just too damn cute in that movie.  The book was very well-written, so when the movie came out I’d thought I would just give it a shot.  Aaand as I said before, Rachel McAdams was in the movie.  So that was perfectly reasonable.

I never wanted to see Dear John.  Never ever.  I even made fun of my co-worker who was sooo looking forward to seeing it, she even put it up as her Facebook status.  When I saw the trailer for the first time, I was like wait a minute..  Is that Duke from GI JOE making out with Dakota Fanning???  I honestly thought that blond girl who was Duke’s love interest was Dakota Fanning!  Later I found out her name was Amanda Seyfriend.  Apparently she was one of mean girls in Mean Girls (remember that Lindsay Lohan’s movie that came out years ago?).

It was never my intention to see Dear John (okay this is the second time I wrote it here).  We were doing our Sunday Movie Buffet (you go to the theater and see two to three movies back-to-back, but only pay for one) and just as we finished our first movie (The Wolfman), we were going to sneak in to another theater next door only to find out there was a theater attendant standing by the entrance, checking everyone’s ticket.  We were like, shittt..  Let’s wait for a few minutes.  We assumed he’d be gone after 15-20 minutes.  Apparently not – he was still standing there, and we honestly thought he’d be standing there for another half an hour.  So I was like, okay this is way too long.  Let’s just sneak in to another theater.  We can’t just hang out here for another 15 minutes, someone will get suspicious.  So I checked the movie schedule on my BlackBerry, trying to see which movie that was playing around that time or within the next 5 minutes or so..  And sure enough, all other movies would not start for another hour, except for………DEAR FU*KIN JOHN.  CRAP!

Dear John was based on a book with the same title, written by Nicholas Sparks.  It’s about a story of a soldier who falls in love with a college student while he’s home on leave.  It’s a pretty romantic story; I assume the book is probably much better than the movie.  It kinda felt pretty entertaining and relaxing to watch a romantic drama, especially when you had just finished watching a suspense thriller movie where it showed a lot of decapitated human limbs.  Both Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried really had great chemistry in the movie.  I thought they really nailed the characters down pretty well.  I really loved her beach house..  Gosh I wonder when I’ll be able to afford to have something like that.  A house by the beach..  A real beach, I might add.  I also loved the guy who played as Channing’s dad.  Can’t remember his name though..  But I’ve seen this guy many times in comedy movies.  Too bad he didn’t have a lot of lines in this movie since he was playing as an autistic guy (who collected coins and made freakin’ lasagna every Sunday.. Come onnnn!).  Even though Amanda Seyfried acted really well in Dear John, I kinda wished that the producers would’ve picked another girl for the character.  Somehow every time I saw her face, she really reminded me of Dakota Fanning.  I wish they had cast Jennifer Love Hewitt..  Oh that would’ve been so much better!

The movie was pretty sad – just like other movies that were based on Nicholas Sparks’ tear-jerker novels.  It was romantic and sad, but not depressing though.  Thank God I didn’t shed a tear – but I assumed 99.9% of the audience was probably crying at that time.   I definitely recommend this as a movie to watch on a Valentine’s Day or a first date.  It’s a mighty chick flick, but it can get you lucky with your date afterwards.

IndoDONKEY Alert!

This movie wasn’t as bad-ass as I thought it would be.  Ever since Twilight came out, vampires and werewolves have gained popularity, and all of sudden Hollywood studios started making movies about vampires and werewolves.

So when I heard about this movie and saw the poster, I was like oh please..  Another movie about werewolves?  Wait, Anthony Hopkins and Benicio Del Toro are in it?  For real?  I started wondering why these two great actors were starring in this movie..  I mean it’s not like they were trying to compete with Edward from Twilight, right?  So after debating whether I should watch it in the theater or DVD, I finally decided to go see it in the theater since the trailer itself looked kinda promising.

The Wolfman is a story of Lawrence Talbot, a nobleman who was called back to his family estate after his brother vanished.  Later his brother’s dead body was found in a horrifying  condition.  Lawrence then started investigating the murder, only to find and unfold other family secrets that were kept from him all these years.

OK first of all, I thought the movie was about werewolves.  Apparently, it was not.  A wolfman IS NOT a werewolf!  Yupp, I got confused right in the middle of the movie.  I was under impression when Benicio Del Toro turned into a wolfman (whoupss SPOIL ALERT!), he was gonna turn into a complete wolf.  Well I was dead wrong.  He did not completely turn into a wolf (like that Native Indian kid does in Twilight), only his mouth, hands and feet that would transform.  Oh, and he would also grow hair all over his body.  That was it!  Anyone who bumps into him that night, would probably think he’s a hairy, creepy lookin’ homeless guy.  Nothing more.  But when Anthony Hopkins turned into a wolfman, boyy he was one fugly wolfman.  I mean, he basically looked like an OLD hairy, creepy lookin’ homeless guy..  Well except that he looked scarier than Benicio.  If you ever watched Teen Wolf (with Michael J. Fox), these wolfmen look nothing like him.  Teen wolf kinda looks like a mix between that stupid bigfoot from Harry and the Hendersons TV show and the caveman from Geico commercial.  The wolfmen in this movie looked more terrifying than teen wolf.  At least they did a pretty good job with the make-up.

When I was watching the movie, I was gonna eat my sandwich until I saw a scene where it showed the wolfman killing a group of guys in a Tasmanian Devil sort-of way.  Seriously..  I saw human limbs flying everywhere and blood squirting all over the place.  I was like, hoooooolllyy crap!  WTF is that?  Oh..  I guess those are intestines spread out all over..  I see.  Definitely not an ideal time to enjoy my sandwich.

I honestly thought the movie was pretty decent..  I think they did a pretty good job casting the right people for the roles.  I didn’t even know Mr. Smith from the Matrix was gonna be in this movie as well.  Hahah yeah somehow every time I saw his face, I kept wishing he would say something like, “Hello Mr. Anderson..”  Or maybe he would put his sunglasses on when he rode his horse.  The action scenes were also great and very entertaining – although I didn’t really enjoy seeing human limbs flying everywhere, or when the wolfman decapitated one of his attackers.  So my advice, please keep your snacks/food away if you’re going to see this movie.  Some scenes can be pretty graphic and should not be viewed if you have a weak stomach.

IndoDONKEY Alert!

Even though I’ve watched a lot of horror movies, somehow I’m still unable to make myself enjoy watching them.  There are probably only 2 that I like so far (one of them is The Grudge – which almost made me pee in my pants), and the rest of them look really really dumb.  I just don’t understand how you get entertained by watching a movie that makes you want to pee in your pants, makes your heart beat faster than Speedy Gonzales, makes you start sweating bullets and getting scared shirtless.  At that point, you’d probably regret your decision to watch the movie and wish you could just punch babies instead.

Anyways, I got this article from egotvonline.com which I thought was pretty hilarious.  Since most of horror movies are done in a cookie-cutter formula, then why don’t you make one yourself?  All you need is a couple of million dollars to make it, and you can turn your movie into a straight-to-DVD Blockbuster!

So please follow these steps below to make your own horror movie:

Catch a Falling Star

The most important thing is your star.  But real stars don’t go for horror films, so you’ll have to aim for the kind of girl who is right on the verge of giving up on her acting dreams for porn and kinda sorta looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Your star’s most important asset is not so much acting, but more the size of her tits.  In fact, the size of her tits is in indirect relationship to how important her acting skills are.

The Ensemble

Once your star is lined up, you need to round out your cast with a reliable troupe of horror film mainstays:

• Preppy douche bag with finance career lined up
• Ditzy cheerleader who isn’t big on shirts
• Black guy for jokes (only for the first act)
• The bitchy bully, or in real life is known as the lesbian
• The jock
• The creepy nerd who everyone is sure is the murderer

The Murderer

As long as you have someone genuinely scary with a good weapon, you’re in the clear.  A good weapon is described as something that was used to kill animals in the 1800s.  Maces, mallets, fish hooks, axes, bow and arrows, knives and bear traps are all reliable horror bad guy weapons.

Elaborate Back-story

Also of note is the more elaborate the backstory for why your murderer came to be, the more time you’ll need to devote to have your hero in act three explain this history.  This will lead to an unbelievably long speech of about ten minutes explaining how an Indian burial ground was desecrated for a high school so that a fisherman could avenge his father’s Satanic curse’s right to freedom of religion.

No One Runs at the Same Speed

You could have Marion Jones at her most roided-out and an eight-year-old killer limping after her, but no matter how fast your victim runs, the killer is always waiting at the next turn.  Don’t ruin your movie with logic.

The Order of Kill

1. The minority
2. The non-minority funny guy
3. The bitchy girl
4. The douche bag bro
5. The hot cheerleader girl (see shower scene below)
6. The jock
7. The creepy nerd who everyone thinks is the murderer

The Shower Scene

Every horror film requires that your non-hero girl with the largest tits be killed while said tits are exposed.  This can occur in a shower (easy, since it’s been done since Psycho), a pool (steam provides great cover), the pool house after skinny dipping (because who doesn’t have a pool house with elaborate corridors?), or a schvitz at a bar mitzvah for Jewish-themed horror films.  The girl is required to think that her boyfriend is playing a prank on her, just to discover her disembodied boyfriend’s body.  This is when the murderer appears and chases the naked hottie until she slips and falls, breaks her nose and waits her inevitable throat-slitting.

The Killer Never Dies

No matter how ludicrous your ending might be, you need your murderer to get away.  You must leave the door open for your horror film to be complimented by sixteen bad sequels to come out the week before Halloween for the next two decades.  A good way to accomplish this is to have the hero throw the murderer’s body into an incinerator and have everyone celebrate the film being over.  Then a nice little coda at the end mentions, “We didn’t find the body.  In the incinerator.”

Look, I always enjoy watching all DiCaprio’s movies.  Starting from the one that he did years ago with Johnny Depp – I believe he was playing as a retard (What’s Eating Gilbert Grape), then the ones where he played as a druggie (The Basketball Diaries), a guy who’s romantically involved with some rich spoiled brat in a sinking ship (Titanic), a funny-lookin’ royal prince who turns out to have a twin brother who’s been locked up in a dungeon (The Man in The Iron Mask), a lazy-ass bum who spends countless hours getting tanned in some beach near marijuana farm in Thailand (The Beach), an Irish guy with a silly Irish accent (Gangs of New York), a con man who likes to dress up as a pilot (Catch Me If You Can), a filthy-rich guy with a bad case of OCD (The Aviator) and a South-African guy with a funny accent who’s been after a huge-ass diamond all over Africa (Blood Diamond).

So anyways, he was reunited again with Kate Winslet in this movie which I believe was based on a book, and was directed by Sam Mendes, the guy who directed in American Beauty and Road to Perdition.  I was like, okay DiCaprio was in it and the director was actually a great director.  Kate Winslet was okay, I’m not so much into British chicks (except for Kate Beckinsale), but whatever.  I thought as long as DiCaprio was in it, everything would be fine.  So I decided to get it from Netflix.

Revolutionary Road is a story about a young couple, Frank and April Wheeler who lives in the Connecticut suburbs in 1955.  Everyday Frank commutes to New York City where he works in an office job; a job that he despises with passion, while April stays home as a housewife.  April has given up her dream of becoming an actress and Frank, well in addition to hating his job, he feels he hasn’t really figured out what his passion in life is.  Until one day, April suggests that they should move to Paris – a city where Frank visited during the war and loved, but where April has never been – in order to rejuvenate their life.  However, things happen later on which make Frank  become skeptical with the whole plan.

Frankly, I honestly think this story should’ve not been made into a movie.  It’s too freakin’ depressing!  I think it should’ve been made into a Broadway play instead since it would’ve shown the strong acting performances and the story.  I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s still a good movie..  But I just thought it would’ve been much better if it were turned into a play.  Every minute I spent watching this movie, I felt I was dying inside and feeling so miserable..  Just as I finished watching it, I felt so bad I wanted to eat two gallons of ice cream and four scoops of guacamole. I did love their acting/performances though.  The actors have done a great job in this movie.  Too bad it wasn’t a happy ending.

IndoDONKEY Alert!

This is hilarious!  I usually post movie reviews on my blog, but I stumbled upon this when I was browsing the other day and thought I would share it with you guys.

So for those of you who would like to make an action movie, please see the step-by-step instructions below.  It tells you how to assemble a basic action movie.